Female Toxicity: Projection and Comparison

Female Toxicity_Today I decided to express my thoughts on a troubling and destructive trend I’ve come across in over the last few weeks. While I know that a number of women often fall victim to the comparison monster and their images of self to become warped by it, I’ve never grown accustomed to those who choose to victimize other women rather than seek the necessary healing and personal development that is needed to break free from such destructive processes!

What do I mean? Well, I’m referring to a toxic interaction I had with another female author regarding the issue of “fat-shaming” and it’s effectย on those who have been victimized by it. Unfortunately, this individual choose to engage in a form of cyberbullying rather than express her opinions and move on (i.e. agree to disagree). It is never a good or honorable thing to project one’s issues, pain, insecurities or perceived shortcomings, onto another individual regardless of your stance on a particular topic!

Women face a constant barrage of noise and obstacles (gender inequality, skewed images of beauty, misogyny, etc) from both society and media in general. My point is this, I refuse to remain silent in the wake of such toxicity without both challenging and speaking to the issue of bullying in larger terms. We live in an age when hate is being normalized, misogyny is being masqueraded as “plain speaking” or “politically incorrect” and body-shaming (fat shaming and body shaming in general terms), is being viewed as appropriate, justified, humorous and everyday speech!

IT IS NOT OKAY TO BULLY ANYONE REGARDLESS!! I can recall an old African proverb that states “Ashes fly back into the face of him (or in this case, her) who throws them.” It is my hope that all the “adults” in this digital space, have made the same calculation and are evolved enough to state their peace and move on, without attempting to demean or bully others in the process.

It is true that in some instances, the abused often becomes the abuser for a variety of reasons (unresolved pain points, lack of treatment, etc)I’ll leave it there because I feel that this is best left to the experts and is tangential to my current discussion. Regardless of gender, we have all been wounded at some point in our lives, but the real victory, healing, and wholeness (and by extension, personal growth) come from facing and or addressing those issues rather than projecting them outwards with the aim of deriving relief through the victimization of another. Experience and observation have shown me that this is neither healthy nor sustainable; ultimately it is self-destructive and fosters an inauthentic and toxic version of oneself.

In “female” terms, that incessant need to compare oneself to another woman with the desperate hope of becoming “her” or tearing “her” down (like crabs in a barrel), will never fill the void left by a wound that has been left to fester through either neglect, ignorance, choice or some combination of all three. Add to that the dimension of socio-cultural pressures and it becomes a toxic yoke that requires a level of personal (i.e. internal) work that can be very difficult to achieve without professional help (depending on the degree of deep work needed) and a willingness to embrace one’s authentic self. While I’m intimately acquainted with being a victim of this, I made the personal commitment and decision to get off of that crazy train, embrace my authentic self (yes, flaws and all!) and free myself in the process.

Every day, I witness the array of images and myths (some truths thrown in too) presented by both the media and society and I literally make the decision to own who I am and not allow anyone else to dictate my truth. We all have to make that decision, the question is, are you willing to grow or stagnate? To devolve into bitterness, pain, and destruction or chose to live a life of freedom and authenticity? It’s much easier by the way!

I understand and recognize that we are all at different places in terms of personal development, life journeys etc, but the fact remains that we all have a choice they might not always be the ones we would like or find comfortable, but we still have to choose! I hope you choose one that honors the inherent dignity of all human beings and fosters peace and growth rather than discord narrow mindedness. Be careful of what you allow to grow in your garden…



21 thoughts on “Female Toxicity: Projection and Comparison

      1. You are very said that, and you are very correct. I know every learned person is learning to give everyone both men and women their respect and their rightful places. Do have a nice day!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I definitely agree! I know we’re human, but that’s exactly why we need to always check ourselves (i.e. our motives behind the words we speak, etc) as we interact with others. I don’t ever want to intentionally / intentionally wound or strike out at another human being because I was either too afraid or unwilling to address my own issues. ๐ŸŒŸ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Two courses in my ideal curriculum would be civics and media literacy. I think one challenge of taking on this issue is that there is such a significant cultural component. As you say, we consume so many images, messages, and attitudes that it really takes dedicated reflection to gain self-awareness and make positive choices. For my part, opting out of many/most sources of consistently negative messages has been crucial to my sense of health and hope. Thanks for your sharing your experience in this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks and I agree! It is critical that we opt out of sources of negative messages. I’d go further to say that when we shift our mindset to one of growth and self awareness, we’re better equipped to avoid or deal with negative and destructive forces.๐ŸŒธ


  2. As my late Beloved Mother Mable Palmer used to say, “If you can’t say anything nice about someone. Don’t say anything at all!! People seem to think that they are invisible on the Internet and spew all types of hate and garbage that they would not say to the person’s face. That’s the reason I no longer participate on any of Facebook poetry/writing groups. Not that I’m afraid or thin-skinned. I don’t look for people to like me or seek their validation but I don’t want to get caught up in the quicksand/sewer of hatred. It’s ugly out there in social media.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Unfortunately even with my WordPress Blog I’ve had to put several white racists on Blast and one sexist. I don’t like having to do that but if you come for me I will answer you. For the whites who hate Black people why are they following my Blog in the first place. I don’t get it?! Like James Brown sang back in the day, Say it Loud! I’m Black and I’m Proud! I have no idea whether they are trying to intimidate me or what but they did not succeed and got read in the process. Lesson: Never Mess with a Black Female U.S. Army Veteran.


  3. Hey Tonye!

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    Please Note: At 11:59 P.M. on the last day of this month this invitation will become inactive.

    Liked by 1 person

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